At a loss

28.07.2011

The sound was calmer last night, still there but not as disruptive. Only audible in complete silence and in the silence has the ability to become quite loud.

Yesterday afternoon there was a bit of a pop in my right ear.

On some level I wonder if the problems with my ears are partially manifested by hearing and not being heard, not wanting to hear, not wanting to hear what I am hearing.

A resistance to what I am being forced to hear.

I am in the world and I am terrified. Terrified of living, terrified of dying, terrified of being so negative and depressed, terrified of loss, terrified of doing it wrong, terrified of having done so much wrong.

I can’t move beyond this negativity and now I fear that it is manifesting in a blockage in my head, loud white noise, resulting in constant panic, anxiety and fear.

I try to be with the feelings and not resist them, but this takes practice and I wonder if I have the time to hold it all before I land up really sick.

The creative door has certainly opened, but growth here is slow and is constantly up against my ruthless and consistent judgment of me.

If anything I’d love to be able to channel this mass of negativity into creativity on paper, in form, in words, in lines that describe the poetry of what it is to be on this planet.